"My Awakening"


 

 

anthologized by Lady J 

 

I used word symbols for many things in my life. 

Much like acronyms to make a sentence, my word symbols tell a story.

Instead of reading the letters across, I write then and you read them down.

"This Is MY MESS" 

M      E      S      S 

E      M      P      E 

N       O      I      X 

T       T      R      U 

A        I       I      A 

L       O        T       L 

   N       U    

   A        A    

     L        L      

L      L       L       L  

A      O       I       I  

B      V       F       E  

E      E       E       S  

L                              

L       E      E      S 

When all was said and done,
I got to the time for change in my recovery. 
It brought me to a point where life could start again for me. 
This is where my "word symbol" landed on a piece of paper. 
 It was the word MESS. 
I knew it meant something by the way it made me feel inside as I looked at it. 

It finally made sense. 

 How to clean up all the mess of my life. 

 It no longer mattered how it got there, who put it there, or how long it's been there. 

 It was now my responsibility to clean it up. 

 I had somehow gained the "ability to respond".

First I laid the MESS out where I could see it. 

 Then I separated each part and dealt with each letter separately.

M stood for mental. 
 The mind blocked for more than twenty years. 
Unable to let ideas flow evenly.

E stood for emotional. 
A agitation of the passions, a strong feeling of a subject. 
How we are on the inside.

The first S stood for spiritual. 
 Our very being, our soul, the God like part of us. 

 Neither tangible or material. 
 The essence of our being.

The last S stood for sexual. 
It pertains to the sexes and how life all comes together to make new life.

______________________________________________________

 I drew a line and began adding things up. 

 At first the bottom line looks like all L's to me. 
 But I have come to know that life isn't always what it appears to be. 
When I look closer then passed it, I saw more. 
Are they L's or are they perhaps the angles. 

 This piece I dedicate to the Candy Man from whom I found my mess I was in  when I learned his angle. 

Life at this point is not right or wrong, it just is. 
As I turn the angles around I make them the right angle or right direction.

What was done is done. 
Now We take these angle to any degree to start the approach of our new life. 

Under the mental the L (or angle) now stands for label. 
A functioning means of identification attached to some thing to designate it's origin, owner and contents.

The L (or angle) under emotional is for love. 
The intangible, elusive part of our world. 
 You can't buy it, touch it, hold it, give it away or receive it for a present. 
You can only feel it in your being. 
 When one stops waiting for it to arrive or trying to give it away you can begin to understand it. 
It's the part of you always with you. 
 Having it gives you the ability to show love and except the gifts of feeling
love others give you in showing their love for you.

The next L (or angle) is life.
  A living growing being. 

That's what we are now. 
 Life is the interval between birth and death. 
The process of living not just physically,  but mentally, emotionally, spiritually and sexually.

The last and most important L (or angle) is for the lies. 
It is plural because it has two parts in it to make one whole being. 
It takes two parts to create life, influence life, and change life. 
The first part of the lie keeps us remaining in a specific condition. 
We occupy this place and that becomes all to us. 
The second part is the deliberate falsehoods we where taught as children. 
 Since we never knew to give them back we passed them on. 
Not knowing we convey the false image that this is how life is. 

"It's time to give it back or get rid of it"

______________________________________________________

As I drew the line and added things up again, what was left was the letters L E E S.

I knew it must mean some thing, and there was this feeling again inside. 
It had to be a word.  It had to be a tangible part, and there had to be a purpose for it.

I looked for it's meaning.  I looked under the L's in the dictionary. 
There I first found the word lee: the side or quarter away from the wind  2. cover, shelter. 
 (it did shelter us all those years.  We never felt exposed till the cover came off)

But I had LEES ?  plural?    It took two

lees: pl.n.  Dregs; sediment

Wondering what dregs is?  So did I.  
  If that was my answer what did it mean.

dregs: pl. n. the sediment of a liquid.  lees 2. the basest or least desirable portion. 

Sediment is the material that settle to the bottom. 
Dregs is all the junk we either don't want or don't need any more. 
When all is settle and the "lees" has been given back, washed away with our tears,
drained out of us or enough time passes to distance us from our past. 
What is left? 
 A foundation to start to build on in this process that has begun now and continues.

 "How We Created Our First Foundation" 

On my new foundation I set forth to construct my new home. 

 It was built with friendship, respect, honesty and truth. 

With those on my strong foundation no matter what I build will with stand any storm.

I placed honesty at the back of my foundation.

I placed Friendship at the front.

Then put Respect on the left side and Trust always on my right.

Through the front door pass Friendships.  A relation starts with friendship.  A friend is a person you know, like and trust.  A companion in your life.  I think of how many times I called someone my friend who I really didn't know, like or trust.  If  I do not want this person as my companion how can I call them my friend.  They became just another human being I know.  Many times the reason we don't want them as our companion is because we have learned not to trust them and don't like what they do.  So by what we know about them we can choose not to call them a friend. 

Just because we once thought of them as our friend we can at any time for things we see, hear and feel, separate the friendship and leave them as some one we know. We can be friendly to the people we know.  We can be warm and comforting.  Display our friendliness but reserve our right to call them friend.

Respect and Trust are placed on either side of the foundation.  I start with Trust.  First with myself then I may learn to risk taking a chance with another.  Through taking that chance I will see through to the other side.  As you learn to have confidence in yourself and you stand a whole person you can trust another.  You can rely on someone truly and openly when you know that you can trust yourself.  Reliance on something in the future.  It is our hope that as we trust we are moving forward on our foundation.  The feelings I have make me want to believe in them. 

Because it is the first side, new and different it takes a little more time perhaps then the others but it's necessary before you can continue.  If any changes need to be made, here's where you make them.  If it's not designed right or the lees is not completely gone you can stop and go back where you started before you find you have gone to far.  Something which even if you complete will not be strong enough to with stand the test of time.

 Honesty, the back wall, the back bone, that which holds it all together.  If you are being honest you are being true to yourself.  There is no need to lie.  Be it to be still and move no further or deceive yourself.  That's where it stops and becomes incomplete, unfinished and not whole.  If you continue to lie you'll cheat only yourself out of a solid safe foundation.  As your back wall it supports and strengthens.  It stands behind the friendship to become it's back bone.  The combination of supports which hold the friendship together, and joins the trust side with the respect.

Respect comes naturally now.  You have all the reference to see back on.  If the other parts are built solid then this side becomes the same and easiest to complete.  Time has given you enough experience and self esteem to finish this home.  The reward is one complete work of art. 

 The practice you gain building this relationship with yourself can some day be combined with another to build a home with them.

                                                                    

my side walk to nowhere

 

I've built many a house since those first writings.  And I've left them just as many times.      

Even though I had done my part and built a strong foundation within myself many others did not.  I would again be surrounded by yet another mess to sort out and find my way again.   Unlike before, I had learned that I needed to proceed in a way so that when I was out the door I would not be drawn back in again.  This arbor on a side walk that ended in the middle of the yard became my focal point.  I needed to find what was really blocking my way to peace and happiness.

the view from this side looked a little clearer

  echoes of courage 3